I know it’s Mother’s Day, and all you mamas should be celebrating, but I have a weight on my heart today. We planned on announcing our third pregnancy on this very special day. Things will not be going as planned. These are my thoughts as I lay awake this morning:
I have had two perfectly healthy pregnancies. Each one, I battled with the fear, that I would never meet the little baby growing inside me. I couldn’t fathom bringing a new life into this world. Yet, nothing bad happened. I felt all the kicks, all the hiccups, and I met my babies at the end of each of my pregnancies. This time, I fought that fear, though it was still there. I combated it with memories of previous pregnancies that were near perfect. Miscarriage won’t happen to me. I have two healthy babies. This will be just the same.
On my birthday, I was surprised with the news that we would be expecting baby number three. I was terrified and excited all at then same time. I scrambled to make a fun announcement for Facebook. My December baby. I was so excited. I had a friend make some T-shirts for the boys to surprised my parents and siblings. I was ready to rearrange rooms. Plan again for a new member. I was ready. I was walking 4-8 miles a day, and clean eating to give this baby a healthy place to grow. I was ready for a wonderful pregnancy. My activity pushed me through the tiredness and headaches. I only felt nauseated once. After two boys, and throwing up all the time, I knew that meant this baby had to be a girl.
And then I started bleeding. I called the doctor and tried not to panic. This happens. And everything will be fine.
The things they don’t tell you. Maybe because it’s the things you don’t ask. They don’t tell you that the doctor who usually asks if you want to see your baby, would sit silently, and sigh, and refer to your baby as a fetus. They don’t tell you that the silence steals your heart before you hear the words. Miscarriage. They don’t tell you that the physical pain is so hard to bear. They don’t tell you that you will cry every time you sit down to use the bathroom. A constant reminder for days that your baby is gone. They don’t tell you that your heart will break the way it does for this tiny being that you never had a chance to meet. They don’t tell you that the shirts you ordered for that fun Mother’s Day announcement, will arrive the day they confirm your worst fear, you lost your baby.
They don’t tell you that some people aren’t supportive, or don’t know how to have compassion. They don’t tell you that some don’t understand. They don’t tell you that your experience is not universal. Or that some will try to make you feel that way. Your experience is unique, making this a harder journey to travel. They don’t tell you that you feel like you caused this spontaneous tragedy. That you will back track to everything you did in the throughout your pregnancy to try to find out why. They don’t tell you that some will speculate what they think you did wrong as well. Some will act like you should pick up and move on like nothing ever happened. Like you don’t have a right to feel sad.
They don’t tell you that you might feel guilty for wanting to get pregnant again as soon as possible. They don’t tell you how hard it is to process what is going on in your body.
They don’t tell you that you might have trouble sleeping, causing you to write a messy blog post.
Just ask the mama with a baby angel, she will tell you.
She won’t tell you to make you sad, but because she loves her little angel. She will remind you, that this is not your fault. Reassure you that your baby will never know the trials of this fallen world. Your baby is happy in heaven, well taken care of.