I’m sitting here pumping reflecting on the day that seemed to drag out. Pumping serves two very important purposes in this house. I get a 10-15 minute break, and Hubby gets to bond with our youngest, my early bird, by taking a feeding session. I just sit here peacefully, and getting lost in thought.
Staring at the clock as I pump, wondering how is it 7:15, already. But how is it only 7:15? Another hour before I can get the kids quieted down to begin our night time routine. My baby bear is just two, and my early bird is almost eight months old. All this focus on time and routine, and I’m left here wondering where all the time has gone. It feels like just yesterday I was preparing to bring my early bird home from the hospital.
Our night time routine usually consists of me asking my husband to get them to sleep and me listening to them call for me until I give in. They need their mommy! Every night seems to be the same. Ending with me rocking my two year old, and nursing my almost early bird for the millionth time, to sleep. In fact, I had to crawl into the crib with him just last night to snuggle, or as he calls says, “nuggle me, mama. I luh you.” The greatest words I have ever heard, “I love you” from my sweet baby bear. This is not our official bed time routine, it is just what happens.
It’s been a long and stressful day chasing these little guys around. Some days, it feels like I’m just changing diapers, and desperately trying to get someone to take a nap. While other days I’m twiddling my thumbs during nap time, wishing I hadn’t cleaned the house the night before. Sounds like every mother’s dream? I try to count my blessings on those days! But at the end of the day, I’m always left smiling. Today was full of tired babies who didn’t want to sleep. It was hard, but I am very thankful my boys are such good babies.
This is my life. My amazing life. My baby bear, looking up at me saying, “hold you, pwease, mama.” After my arms are so tired from holding him so much already, I just smile and pick him up swiftly into my arms. I cherish this. He is growing up so fast. I look at him in awe of who he is becoming. He can actually talk to me. What happened to my itty bitty newborn?
When my early bird squeals with joy at the sight of me, and I just want to have some alone time because he has been nursing all day, I just put on a smile. Even if I’m frustrated. I have to cradle him close because I will never get this time back. Once it passes, it is done and I want to enjoy every second. I love my boys so much.
I never could find purpose in life until I had my first child. And it only got more rewarding with the barely noticeable double the work with my second. Who am I kidding? It is A LOT of work taking care of two littles. As I was saying, I struggled to find acceptance and love, when it was with me all along. I learned to love myself as a mother. Motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. I finally saw my worth. Because I knew, how I felt about the tiny life before me, my mother felt that about me.
Sometimes motherhood is being overwhelmed. Sometimes it is being so tired you don’t know how you will make it through the day. It most certainly isn’t always glitter and rainbows. Then, when we think it is time to throw in the towel, the moon and the stars peak out from the dimming sky. And we know everything is going to be okay.
Every night when I see my little sleeping beauties, I know this is all worth it. Managing to do some dishes while wearing one child and holding another on my hip is not easy. But it is worth all the hardship. When a mother is at the end of her rope, even when that mother is me, I have to gently remind us to just look at these little hearts we are crafting. They are so beautiful. Tantrums and all, these kids have the softest little souls, and they just need some love. And sometimes, it is okay to to step back and take a breather while turn on half an hour of their favorite show.
The kids just fell asleep waiting for me to finish pumping. Finally, some time to spend with the hubby on his birthday! Im sure the second I sit down to eat, someone will wake up needing me. On that note, I am signing off!